Love, Loss and Trust - Intuitively

{Original Post drafted 6 August 2017}

Today is a new day. Of a new week. Of a new life. A life without a parent. A life without my Mum. 

Last weeks post was one of procrastination, for it was the eve of my darling mothers passing. It was unknown to me then that i only had a few hours left with Mum, and perhaps my intuition, my sub-conscious was protecting me from the pain with pointless procrastination.  When i look back at that moment now, still really vivid in my memory, there were so many thoughts racing through my mind, and flooding my heart.

Both my brother and i were fortunate enough to be by our mothers side as she passed away. It was the early hours of the morning and the there of us were all at peace together, sleeping. Considering the circumstances it was as peaceful as this moment could be. Something suddenly comes to my mind as I am writing this. A quote i once looked at daily on my bedroom wall: "Peace - Does not mean to be in a place free from chaos, noise or calamity, it is to be amongst these things and have calm in your heart". 

A little earlier that evening when i walked into the hospital a new podcast episode appeared with a particular topic, it was so close to my radar it is far too uncanny to be a coincidence! I sat in a reclining chair by Mum's bed, my brother laying down on the other side, It was late. I lay and watched Mum breathe (with difficulty). I started listening to the podcast on biochemistry, autophagy and cancer. (The last time i had even thought about this particular topic and/or what it means to me i wrote about it here 4 months ago). The moments before i began to dose off, earbuds in ears, it happened. Mum's last breath was drawn. This was truly a defining moment in my life, brutally hard and forever grateful i could have my brother in my arms as we said goodbye.

It is so amazing how the universe works, the subtle little hints that are put in front of you. We have to listen to that voice, that intuition. It is so much more advanced than that biped brain of ours that allows us to operate autonomously throughout our day to day lives. Our intuition is looking out for us long before our brain can figure out what it is we need to do. And it is the connected person that can can learn to curate the meanings of intuition with the skills of logic.

Today i am moving forward with my life, which is different from moving on. My mother is forever in my heart and my purpose is clear. I remember a promise i made to her, and i will use every ounce of my strength to full fill that promise. But i also remember that my mother urged me not to be stressed. So with that in mind i will dance carefully between progression and commitment together with freedom and enjoyment. There are so many beaultiful things in life we are yet to experience and with that in mind we should treat every day as if it is our last, life is too precious to waste.